Book Review.
“All of humanity's problems stem from man's inability to sit quietly in a room alone. - Scientist and philosopher Blaise Pascal (1654)
Loneliness can be a killer. Why?
Context first. I love pools of solitude, where I can simply swim around by myself, floating upon the gentle tides of time. It is good to be alone, a lot of the time. Good sign of mental health to enjoy one’s own company. Up to a point.
What happens when you alone? Let’s use the technique of mindfulness as the lens to view our inner world. Mindfulness practice allows the savouring of the internal chatter of thoughts and embodied sensations. You are, by this insight, never alone.
The decentering process of observation of the activities on the stage of the inner world suggests the mind has a mind of its own; a spectator in the audience, simply monitoring, witnessing, not judging the characters or story line. (Not sure if higher orders animals have this psychological ability: to stand back from thoughts and emotions.)
Mindfulness meditation, as defined by Jon Kabat-Zinn, is the awareness that arises when paying attention on purpose to the present moment (without judgement, of course).
So, it all starts by paying attention to the present experience, whatever is arising, whether good or bad, pleasant or unpleasant. That is pure awareness. This is the central play in times of solitude.
After a time of mindfulness practice we soon realise that nothing is ever, ever permanent: Thoughts, sensations, seasons, weather, wealth, relationships, or life. And after even more practice, we, the practitioners, find the inner world very, very interesting. We may be alone, sitting, eyes closed, openly aware to whatever is arising in our small, private room; but never feeling the loneliness. Cool idea!
And there are a few people who can, and love, handling and caressing the incessant bubbling of thoughts and sensations, whatever breaks through onto their surface of awareness - the world of consciousness. But there are many who cannot, who despise their own, intimate relationship, with their inner world. They cannot live with themselves. They HATE their uniqueness, and often the world outside.
They don’t like their own company. They don’t like solitude. They are lonely, disconnected from themselves. Their uneasy agitation activates a powerful, overwhelming impulse, that needs some form of action to suppress it.
These impulses initiate the need for continual experiences of distraction, addicted to actions that does not allow them to turn and face towards themselves and accept and let go the enormity of the present moment. They cannot sit still. They get up to mischief. They get bored, easily. Pascal was correct.
Rather they turn away, run away, mindlessly, seeking short term pleasure. It never works in the long term. The perceived energy of loneliness, being alone with oneself, is powerful and uncomfortable. Dopamine hits, the antidote, is the reward chemical, but wears off soon after hitting the pleasure receptors, leaving another uncomfortable sensation - withdrawal, and another round of loneliness. And so it cycles. Addiction 101.
Loneliness thus begins at home, like charity, the hearth is the ‘self’; the subjective inner world. Loneliness, at its core source, is most likely a mental construct. And can be deconstructed. That is indeed good news.
Meters of bookshelves have been written about the loneliness of COVID-19 - that lockdown and isolation have created legions of lonely people. “Oi Gevalt” as my maternal grandmother shouted when hearing bad news. These days, I would answer: “Maybe.”
Some writers even suggest that more people get sick and die from loneliness (read: depression) than direct COVID-19 infections. I am not so sure. What I am a little more definitive is that Covid 19 has widened the hairline fissure in many rocky marriages and dysfunctional families, resulting in violence in all its forms - physical, emotional, financial, divorce. Marriage counsellors are fully booked.
And being alone, isolated from other human beings, is needled into the historical fabric of our human journey. Adam was alone in his garden! The desert mystics were alone. Imprisoned Nelson Mandela was alone. Elderly folk restricted to their bedrooms to prevent spread of Covid are alone. International travellers forced into weeks of quarantine are alone. But not all suffer from loneliness. There is a world of difference between loneliness and being alone.
Loneliness is a horrible mental state, for sure. I have had my moments. People dying of loneliness in intensive care units, on ventilators, is horrendous for both patient and family. No question.
The sudden removal of daily contact with other humans is a bio-psycho-social disturbance. Dan Siegel is a renowned researcher - psychiatrist in Los Angeles. His life’s work is understanding the biology of human relationships.
Empirical peer reviewed results confirm that humans are social animals, that chemicals such as oxytocin cement intimate relationships, that brain blood flow changes directions when relationships are loving, that the immune system is bolstered. We need people, up to a point. We all need We. Some of the time. Many times me needs time for me. Ask exhausted moms.
When I was in specialist training, I learnt that there is a concept central to the human condition: locus of control. In other words, who holds the steering wheel in our decision making: inside (ourselves) or outside (others). Who is the captain of our ship?
Locus of control is not binary, either - or, rather a dynamic along a continuum. Let me explain.
Graphically, the line runs from (extreme) external locus of control to (extreme) internal locus of control. It is not a fixed point. It varies a little around the individuals average point, probably set from early adulthood. (The American Dream is about maximising internal control - classic free market policy. The North Korean Nightmare attempts to control everybody, maximising external locus of control - classic collectivist model.)
If absolute external locus of control is 0, and absolute internal locus of control is 10, one can score somewhere between 0 and 10. Examples. A new born baby and an elderly person suffering from severe Alzheimer’s scores close to 0. They need people to look after them, and make decisions for them, almost all of the time.
A solitary hiker on Mount Everest or trekking around the South Pole scores close to 10. As babies start growing up their score improves, and when many reach teenage-hood they believe they are invincible, they control their destiny - their perceived scores are edging close to 10, then settles after the last pimple, say, to a healthy 7.
You may ask: what is the point of these scales? Good question. Simple answer is that people with a high external locus of control need incessant external relationships to energise and support them; and make the risky decisions.
Remove their friends / colleagues / partners / family / cell phones and loneliness is a major stress and emotional pain. They never grow up. Wherever they place themselves there is always an echo of incompleteness, of alienation, and the fear of abandonment. COVID-19 magnifies their sounds of silence, Hello, darkness my old friend!
Conversely, those blessed with a strong internal locus of control will adapt to loss of relationships, that inevitably occur through the life cycle. They have resilience, they can bounce back from adversity, they have strength of character, they know what is important; they perceive lockdown and social distancing as challenges.
My view is that in this one - locus of control - nurture trumps nature. Early childhood experiences and parental responses are differentiators. The neighbourhood matters; the political system matters; the national psyche matters.
Locus of control is a learnt skill, even though there are the extreme cases of failed brain development where impulse control mechanisms are faulty. Most, regrettably, have criminal records. I digress. I was distracted. Sorry.
To recap: In trying to understand the psychobiological effects of isolation, quarantine, or working and studying from home, we need to know how a person controls their responses to such situational changes: how quickly they bring order to chaos; where are they/you on the locus of control spectrum?
Mindfulness practice is one way to strengthen the internal locus of control. So is writing and walks in nature, as part of daily routines. So are times of solitude to reflect and adjust and take responsibility. Or prayer. So are periods of just stopping, listening, and, mindfully, watching whatever is moving. Befriend yourself. Wherever you go, there you are with yourself, your travel partner. Learn to surf the waves of life.
Prescribed medicine to counter loneliness:
Open the door to allow your inner adult into your private room. Only you have the keys. Or password.
One moment at a time.
Author
(C) Dr Jonathan D Moch
Website
www.jdmoch.com
Core Professional Focus
Cognitive-Behavior Therapy“Yes, You Can!”
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Links
1). Introduction to Dan Siegel - NeuroBiology of Relationships
https://www.lovingatyourbest.com/mindsight-in-nyc
2). Notes on Locus of Control
https://www.google.co.za/amp/s/www.psychologytoday.com/intl/blog/moments-matter/201708/locus-control%3famp
From a friend
Lyrics by Paul Williams
Loneliness
Takes the romance out of falling stars
Fills the wishing wells and fills the bars
Run and hide the scars of loneliness
Loneliness
Makes the winter's night seem twice as long
Makes the summer sunlight much too strong
Nothin's really wrong
It's only loneliness
So stay awhile
We both have stories that are hungry to be told
Your eyes are warm but I can feel your hands are cold
Still they're nice to hold
It only takes a simple yes
The time we spend leaves that much less for
Loneliness
Like a love song or an old cliché
Has its hideouts but it's never far away
Look around you've found
It's only loneliness
So stay awhile
We've worn the night away and now it's almost done
If you could stay a bit of breakfast might be fun
It's too much work for one
And though it's just a simple guess
We're stronger now we've made the best of
Loneliness
Waits in silence while the shadows grow
Waits and wonders if it's finally time to go
The yes in our hello said no to
Loneliness
From a pen pal friend
Hi Jonathan.
As I get more interested in your letter, I had to tell you that this year has been the hardest and loneliest period in my life
I thank Hashem that I am a friend of yours. Even though we have not physically been together.
I have been through the longest period of my life,and being in contact with you everyday,has given me confidence and the will that I not to get depressed.
I do get frustrated and when I start sinking I switch on to something else to do.
I read a lot and when I feel I have has enough, I would switch on YouTube and watch the world news for an hour or 2.
By then half the day has passed. I always get a friend or 2 who come in the afternoon,and we keep ourselves busy chatting and having tea.
I am also lucky I have a corner room with windows all around.
I am very lucky I can keep myself occupied most of the time.
This was just a little feedback to you, on how I have managed to cope.
Kind regards Joel. Druian. 👍